emotional and crazy

... so this should be a fun post! *sigh*

My heart is hurting a lot. For the town of Newtown, CT and for all of the Americans who are wanting to adopt from Russia.

I'm kind of a train wreck.

As of before I came home for Christmas I was down 31.2 lbs which is exciting... I was probably more excited about that .2 than any other weight loss before that.

And now I'm home for Christmas and if she were here, W (my nutritionist) would be hitting me... but not literally...

I've been to the gym, though not as frequently as if I were home, and when I've been eating meals they've been healthy, mostly... except for that one time I met up with some of the guys for dinner and drinks at this new delicious New Orleans restaurant here in town. It's called French Quarter and if you live in the western suburbs of Chicago, you should check it out... for realz!! It's not really diet friendly, though.........

Don't tell W about the 1 1/3 beignets..... sssshhhhhhhhh...

Otherwise, I think I'll just get in trouble for all of the missed meals.... *sigh* better do better starting today, I go back to the doc on Thursday.

I'll start with that yummy stew my dad has in the crock pot for dinner...... it looks and smells delicious and he had an awesome sous chef ;)

Holidays

I was doing great with the Christmas season, even with parties every day of every weekend. I'm up to 31 pounds lost. AWESOME.

But I'm SO nervous about this weeks weigh in. Last week was crazy. I was getting over being sick, I went to see Aerosmith (*sigh*), and then I had a party at my house on Sat and Sun and I had to work Sat..... I haven't been to  the gym since last week..... Wed?... maybe? And while I don't think I've done bad with eating, I've barely tracked anything and I had a couple of days that I ate 1 meal and maybe a snack?

I get in just as much trouble for the missing meals as anything else.

We'll see what Wednesday morning brings.........

My Secret Goal

I had a secret goal that I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to lose 25 pounds by Thanksgiving. Yesterday was the first time I saw my parents since I started at Beckman's & I wanted the loss to be… awesome?

Challenge complete! 25 pounds down!!!

On a side note, way to go today Rachel and Gail and all of the other 20 people I knew and hundreds of others who ran/walked the Borodash!!! You're awesome!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving =)

Still

I'm still annoyingly food obsessed =o\ Tracking out a day's worth of meals every single morning and not allowing mysellf to change it. But this week... *phew*

This is Thanksgiving week... and today is Monday... and I've figured out all of my calories for Thanksgiving day.

All of them.

I've also found a recipe for fresh cranberry sauce made with stevia... excitement!

My parents are SUPER supportive of me and they're coming here for Thanksgiving this year, and they're ok with skipping mashed potatoes and stuffing (although I will miss them), but I refused to give up pumpkin pie!

Turkey, cranberry sauce, steamed veggies, pumpkin pie, and fat free redi whip.

check, check, check, and double check!

Don't...

... get used to all this blogging. 3 posts in two days? It's like I've gone crazy! ha!

But I thought I'd share about today's doctors appointment. I've waved goodbye to another 2 pounds this week...

I'm struggling with it a little bit. After killing it at the gym for a week and going all but one day I really wanted for more. And my nutritionist said that my body is getting used to the changes from going to the gym and to give it a week, but I really wanted like a 5 or something.... It's crazy... I should be THRILLED!

It all adds up, I know... but I'm just so ready for all of this to be gone and sometimes I get so over it... and then I think I'm doing AWESOME, and 2 pounds.

It's good... I know... I'm fighting with myself... and I'm giving myself tonight off from the gym so I can kill it all over again on my day off tomorrow...

Killing it With the Hunger Games

Tomorrow is my weigh-in, but today I killed it... May the odds be ever in my favor ;o)

Last Night & Tomorrow

The day I joined Beckman's I met this awesome woman who had (at that point) lost 86 pounds (now it's like 93!). She was super encouraging to me, this new girl who was so overwhelmed and unsure. Who's tried it all before and failed. I "friended" her on MyFitnessPal and she's been so positive, especially on my worst days.

Since the start, she's invited me to a workout class at a local rec center. Water Zumba. Well, thanks to our Veteran's (Thanks, Pops!!) I had off of work yesterday and was able to make it to the 5:30 class! It was SO fun!!!! Of course today I'm a little bit sore and thankful for spray on icyhot, but I really think I'd go back on days I have off of work. While I was in the water dancing away I kept on thinking "this isn't so bad... easy..." HA! since about 11 last night all I can feel is my arms and legs hating me.

Too bad they're going to have to deal with the gym tonight too ;o)

Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I'm nervous. Every single week I find myself giving myself a pep talk...

"It's ok if you don't lose any weight, Joy. You're trying really hard and this is a lifestyle change. You're going to the gym a lot and building muscle and sometimes just because you're a girl your body will freak out and not let you lose. Really, you'll be fine. You can do this."

I really wonder if I'll ever feel positive about myself and everything I'm doing right now. I'm going to the gym about 5 days a week and now I'm going for at least an hour a day. Yesterday I did yoga in the morning and water zumba at night. I'm burning calories and eating healthier. Tonight I've almost convinced myself to do an hour and a half thanks to this new machine A told me about at the gym. People are noticing that I've lost weight and asking me how much I've lost. Yet I'm convinced the scale won't move.

Working on positivity.......................

Wellness

I think I off-handedly mentioned in a previous post that I joined a Wellness and Weight Loss Clinic at my doctor's office. I should have actually mentioned it.... I'm doing just that now, so that counts right?

It's been 5 weeks today since my very first visit.

Hard to believe for me, but it's been great!

Don't get me wrong, it's been ROUGH. Honestly, there are a few restaurants I can't even think about eating at ever again and sometimes I wonder what I'll have to give up in a day if I ever want to eat pasta again.

I know there are adjustments and I obviously needed to make them. I gained all of this weight somehow, right? I can't expect it to magically fall off without giving up anything or putting in some of the work. I just wish that I could do a little bit of magic and *poof* gone!

Wishful thinking, I know...

However.... ready for this?... Five weeks from day 1 and I'm down 20 pounds even.

I guess there's just something about accountability.

And friends that meet me at the gym.

And me making myself go to the gym even when someone can't meet me.

And accountability.....................

How Do You Measure That?

I just ate a piece of Key Lime Pie so small it would have fit in a tablespoon measure.

Who'd have thought that would ever happen? E.V.E.R.

But seriously... how do you count those calories?

This is my second week tracking food daily in my life EVER. I've tried before and laster 4 days... maybe... 
I don't know if I ever thought I'd see the day that I was counting calroies so closely that I would be that curious about calories in that tiny piece of pie? I remember well the days I would have a slice, and a good size slice at that! Key Lime Pie is within my top 5 favorite desserts!

Fits in a tablespoon?

Me?

Who am I??

Hello Old Friend

I went to the gym tonight… my long standing/not used often enough membership was put to use. My friend A met me there after I got off of work (I'm so thankful for supportive people in my life!!). We warmed up together and then I stuck with cardio while she did some weights.

I only made it for 40 minutes before my back started getting twingy, but I'm celebrating the achievement of making it to the gym!

A Letter to my Boot Camp Instructor

Julie,

 

=o( My back is starting to freak out again... I think I'm going to have to give up boot camp for a while. I know I've only been a couple of times since I was approved to come back, but I think the crunches (in place of plank) this week did me in.

 

I started going to my doctors wellness & weight loss clinic this past week and am very hopeful with the accountability of weighing in each week that I'll be able to start losing more weight and I'm going to start maybe using the bikes at the gym if I can with the hope that losing weight will help my back and I'll be able to come back to boot camp!

 

I really do love it, and I'm going to miss it... but I really don't want to have back surgery... ever...

 

Thanks so much for everything... I hope to be a camper again in the future!

 

Joy

 

Feeling Good

It's been three day's since my frist boot camp after 3 weeks of nothing.

I feel good!

Not great, mind you; there are some twingy moments and achy moments, but all in all I feel like I'm ready and happy to be able to get back into the swing of things. To do something active that makes me aware of the fuel I'm putting into my body.

Three weeks was rough. I got sad and frustrated and depressed and I fought myself to get out of it. God spent a lot of time leading me in other directions of life during that time, and that didn't make it easier... working out brings me clarity... some odd sense of being able to deal with life more. So during three hard weeks filled with lots of emotions.......

It was rough.

But I'm back!!! Now the only trick is to remember how to wake up to make it to boot camp at 5:40am. *ugh*

“In an ideal world no one would talk before 10am. People would just hug, because waking up is really hard.”—Zooey Deschanel (via her Twitter feed)

Camp'd

I went back to boot camp his morning!!!!!

I'm sure I'll feel it tomorrow...

... but for today I choose to be HAPPY =oD

Run for Me

My back is still bothering me too much to run for myself...

So Long Steroids

I will not miss you.

Of all of the medication I've ever taken (which is really almost none...) Steroids are the WORST.

I've been breaking out like a 13 year old but sweating like I'm going through menopause. But by far my least favorite side effect is that it makes me so unable to sleep... Consistently for the last 12 days I have been awake until at least 3am. Last night the last time I saw the clock it was 4:30am.

Today I was 30 min late to work. I snoozed my alarm clock too many times (and that's hard to do... my alarm on my phone makes me answer 7 math problems to snooze!) and all of the sudden it was 10. That's what time I start work.

I am yet again thankful for the place I work and the people I work with.

I'm thankful that yesterday was the last time I had to take steroids.

I'm looking forward to going to bed at 10... if not tonight, hopefully soon...

Oh, yeah, and my back is feeling much much better =o) Still on resting restrictions, so I'm taking it easy, but I'm getting eager to go back to boot camp!

One Week

It's been one week since the inflamed disk diagnosis.

A whole week.

It didn't fly... it dragged along in pain and frustration.

Yesterday I started feeling pretty good... too good? I maybe did a little bit too much. Ok. I did a little too much. heh heh... But in my very poor defense, I am getting so tired of doing nothing! I definitely didn't realize how much I was loving boot camp and working out so intensely before this injury.

So I want to be better now. What's wrong with that?

Except yesterday I thought I was great and I decided to (for fun - seriously, who am I?) do a few bicep curls and arnold presses.

Your back affects EVERYTHING.

Today I'm sore. Not like last Monday-Wednesday, but like this past Saturday/Sunday when things were starting to work towards better; twingy but not hurty.

There's a reason my doctor said two weeks.... SURPRISE!

And maybe I'll think about possibly listening to my coworkers who give me the "mommy look" and tell me I'm going to hurt myself and then I have to give them free "I told you so" reign the next day maybe. kind of. I'll think about it.

I Miss the Gym!!

Just a little encouragement to all of you that are feeling fine and up to it...

I promise I'm not pity-partying anymore

My back is starting to feel better, but I'm still restricted for another week and a half...

Enjoy the gym for me! Do a couple of extra reps for me! You can do it!!! Enjoy it!!! 

Weekend Inspiration

#Frustration

That's probably my most used twitter message.

#frustration

It covers such a large amount of topics and can be used pretty much as often as you'd like. I haven't used it today. Apparently my frustration is so big that I'm making it a whole blog post!

I wake up in the morning with this back pain. Ache. Throbbing hurt. Sitting up hurts. Standing feels impossible. Once I start moving, it seems to lessen, but then I work at a desk job and sitting too long hurts and standing feels impossible and forget walking all over again. Awesomely I have this amazing work family that understands that I need to get up and move around occasionally; unfortunately I work at a job that is so crazy and frantic and short-handed on a Friday that getting up and moving seems like I'm being a horrible person and leaving others stranded.

#frustration

(it is getting better, though, I mean it... It's awful pain, but it's less awful than Wednesday when I started taking drugs!)

Prognosis: Imflammed Disk

*sigh*

No boot camp for two weeks

Meds (anti inflammatory & steroids)

Prayer (I know this should be higher on the list, Mom, but I'm typing as I think of it... not order of importance!)

Maybe a mini-pity party

Probably treating myself to a pedicure

MRI in two weeks if I'm not better

Trying to stay on top of nutrition so that's not a loss

*sigh*

Pity Party....

Having a Tough Time

I'm having a hard time today.

Recently I've been having these awesome breakthrough's in boot camp and I can feel myself losing weight and getting stronger. And then

***BHAM***

My back feels like.... I don't think I have the right adjectives to use. I can stand for long, I can't sit for long. Laying down makes it almost impossible to stand up. There is pain shooting down my legs.... I'm an emotional eater so I'm fighting off the urge to eat everything in sight.

I could use some prayers.... and a hug..........

(I'm glad I have that doctors appt already scheduled for tomorrow)

Achy Sore

I am achy sore today. Yesterday was my first boot camp using my new 8 pound weights the WHOLE time! Go me!

*pats herself on back*

ahem...

I brought in the weights in and showed them off to my boot camp trainer Julie and I knew I should be a little worried when she made a comment about how happy I was going to be to have them that day.

Um. Yeah. Really. It was a lot of minute long moments. Lots of lateral raises and lungy, squaty things with weights involved. And multiple types of push-ups.

About 2/3 of the way through the workout, I distinctly remember Julie asking me "Aren't you glad you started those heavier weights today?" and I said, "I'm sure I will be someday".

It's the best I could do. Shortly after that comment we stopped weights and went to a mountain climber/wind sprint combo for the rest of class (really it was only 4 minutes of them, but it felt like 40!).

I think my arms might fall off.

What the What?

My littlest nephew says that (I don't know how often, really, I prompt it as often as possible!). It's adorable and funny and that guy will think about it when he knows he's going to make you laugh... and I love laughing with him.

I miss them today, a lot. My family so far away. The littlest nephew and the two not as little nephs, my niece who is about to be 7. 7! YIKES! I'm reminding myself today that all of the little challenges and triumphs are for them today as much as for me.

I'm the one choosing to lose weight, I'm the one feeling God's conviction to return to healthy living. I want to have a future filled with good health and longevity. But I also want to run around with those 4 kids. Walk around zoo's and playing ball in my parents backyard with them. Not getting winded quite so easily. I think about the possibility of meeting "that guy" and having kids in our future. I want to be a fun mom, a run around and play mom... that's not me now.

Today I put on a pair of jeans. Jeans I bought right before going home for Christmas. Jeans that were a little snug at Christmas and over the next few months as my weight crept up, they became jeans that didn't fit.... Today I'm wearing them to work. And they're looser than they were at Christmas. One more step, one more little success, one more sweet hurrah; one more moment of realization that I can be that person I want to be.

What the What? is your moment today?

Weekend Inspiration

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.

Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

I didn't boot camp...

Monday I woke up with a turn-off-the-alarm-and-cover-your-whole-head-with-a-blanket-while-trying-to-take-excedrine-and-chug-some-water-praying-that-eventually-you'll-be-able-to-tolerate-the-light migraine. Boot Camp? shyeah... no. As a matter of fact, I didn't actually even get out of bed until 9:30 which gave me 30 minutes to shower and get ready and get to work. Yikes!

That night started 3 nights of I *Art* the Boro. An outreach to show some love to our community. Monday night I tripped and about killed my knees... so much pain. I'm stull struggling.

Monday... back to boot camp Monday... I can do this all over again.

How've you been, blog friends? Throw me a little motivation...

Weekend: Inspired

Support

I'm still amazed by it.

I know I shouldn't be. My parents, my family, close friends... they've always been supportive of me. Yet somehow in this... in wanting to lose weight, be healthy; in this I'm amazed at the mass amounts of support all around me.

Friends cooking healthy meals specifically following the diet plan I'm using, encouraging me when my legs hurt from boot camp. Talking about being healthy, joining me in my pursuits... e-mailing me encouraging things and neat articles or blogs found.

I think I am just blown away by how loved I feel by them. And at work included.

On Sunday I will turn 32 (& I remember when that sounded old). At work we normally order out lunch for the birthday girl (no guys in my department), but my coworkers realized and recognize my pursuit of healthiness and instead of ordering out? Today their all chipping in for a salad bar with all the fixings; making sure there is plenty available for me from my list of "approved" items.

I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm so thankful for all of this caring support =o)

Top 15

... and actually #10!

The company where I work had a weight loss challenge. Top 3 men and top 3 women received a prize.

I didn't get top 3 women.

BUT overall, of the 50 people that competed I was #10 for most % of weight lost.

GO ME!!

-------------------

On a side note, I am rocked from boot camp today. The thought of lifting my water bottle to get a drink or walking across the room to the copier make my muscles shudder. I am wearing my knee brace for the first time in over a month and I want to use my Bengay cooling menthol gel as a lotion on my legs.

I know that this is all beneficial for me, but I also know that working a desk job just makes it worse. Especially since we're busy lately and I can't just get up and walk around.

Pushing through it. Knowing I will be stronger on the other side of this. Finding forms of motivation.

My friend A sent me this link yesterday. Have you watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition? INTENSE!! But it motivates me knowing that it can be done. To not give up. To remember that I'm worth it.

Camp of the Boot

Thats right. Boot Camp.

2 (soon 3) days a week I sweat it out in the morning before I get ready for work. 2 days a week I do crazy amount of lunges and squats and wall sits and someday burpees. Its tough and it can be really intense (today my legs were literally shaking).

But something weird happened… I started loving it. I really missed it when I couldn't be there. I couldn't wait to get back……… I didn't mind getting up at 5 am to get there on time (if you know me personally, you know thats a big deal).

Today the strangest thing of all happened. Between sets, we were doing 1 solid minute of intense cardio. For me, that means speed walking. For everyone else? Wind Sprints.

Today I was jealous of the people sprinting.

I can't wait to be that person…

Weird

10 Pounds

I'm down 9.7 pounds from my heaviest weight ever.

Go me! *sigh*

I'm trying to stay positive and not note that I still have a long way to go... small milestones, friends. I take what I can get. =o)

So... there comes a point every time I start to lose weight (before I gain it back... not this time!) that my neck starts to feel... longer...?... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone and I'm sure not unless you've lost weight before, but it just does. There's no other way to explain it.

And frankly I'm sure I'm more aware of my neck due to years of watching America's Next Top Model with my roommates ("make your neck longer," said Tyra... always).

But I'm feeling it right now.

My neck somehow feels longer. And I'm taking that feeling and relishing in it along with the fact that I'm .3 pounds away from that 10 mark.

I've got this.

Gym Time Fellowship

My friend/former roommate A and I went to the gym together last night! I admit to not having been in a while (and to feeling the effects today), and it was so nice to have someone who would meet me there.

Like I said before, accountability is the key!

But as fun as it was elliptical-ing in the cardio theatre while laughing together at silly moments from Charlie's Angels. And as much as I enjoyed chit chatting between weights sets... I really enjoyed spending time with her afterwards!

I hadn't eaten dinner yet and so we went to iHop (where I easily stayed within my WW points! Just say no to pancakes!) where we sat and talked and fellowshiped for the first time in a very long time. I lvoe getting to hang out as a group with all of my former roommates, but I cherish one on one time weith them, too.

Did I mention I'm sore today? *ugh* Still going back tonight.....

Making Me A Priority and Having Friends to Lose It With

How's that for a long title?

I had a shaky last week... I didn't lose but I didn't gain, so that's a win, right? kind of? maybe? Come on... work with me here!

Anyway, it was Easter and a coworkers birthday and I was busy and out most nights (as per usual lately) and I really have a hard time saying no... I'm working on it... or at least telling myself I'm working on it... All that said, this week is a fresh start. No excuses to not bring lunches to work. No excuses to not work out. I bought some apples for my work fruit tray and some sugar snap peas to go with my surprisingly low in points stromboli that I make semi-regularly. I bought some healthier "crunchy" snacks to keep at work (again) and I'm going to start doing Zumba (on DVD) regularly again.

And my roommate wants to join me! She was out of town last week, so we need to get back into our routine, but we're going to attempt accountability and I'm really excited about it! I think it will be so much easier living with someone who is also starting to care about health topics (now if only I could get her to stop smoking?). She and I spent a night talking about how we feel now and how we used to be more active. How we want to make changes; and before she went out of town we had begun. I think we got started back on track last night with a healthier dinner.

I'm also going to teach her to make what she refers to as "northern/Yankee" vegetables. That means I steam them instead of cooking them in butter or bacon grease (shudder) or sugar.

I think I'm starting to win her over with green beans...................

Little Steps

Its really the little moments... little decisions made I'm told, in this effort toward healthier living, that make a big difference.

So this past Saturday after I helped throw a baby shower, my initial plan was the same as every other shower I've thrown over the past several years: run to the store after its over, grab a frozen pizza and watch a movie or three. Mindless. Vegging out after several hours of insanity.

But I joined Weight Watchers, where does that all fit? I really didnt care to be honest, but my friend C and I were talking after the shower was over. She invited me to spend time with her family... A healthy meal, time with people I generally like being around.

But frankly, I didn't really want to be around people. I had spent all afternoon around people and I needed down time.

I took it. Down time. But instead of pizza, I grabbed sandwhich things and some fruit.

Little steps.

(thanks for the encouragement, C)

Joined

I joined Weight Watchers Online. Have I mentioned that yet? I don’t think I have… I haven’t been very consistent writing here. I’m sorry.

I’ve just been feeling like a failure lately and it hasn’t really made me want to be very open and honest and transparent.

So here I am. Honestly.

I haven’t been to the gym in a while. I joined Weight Watchers Online.

I’m doing ok with WW. During the day… I just have this problem where I don’t like to make dinner and I’d rather snack at night? I’m working on it. Praying about it. It’s tough. That’s my time of day. I need to find good tasting healthy snacks? I did paint this tray at our local pottery painting place and I keep fruit to snack on at work. Helpful.

(the words are lyrics to The Wind by Cat Stevens)

                    It’s at home that I’m having a problem…

I’ve also decided that since I don’t seem to be able to fall asleep until at least 1 am (sometimes 5:30am; today for instance) so from now on, when I can’t sleep…. Gym time. Don’t worry, Mom and Dad, it’s safe & I always carry pepper spray!

Excuses

Boy, have I been making them for myself… I haven't been to the gym in close to a month telling myself that once I got my room organized, once I was more settled, once the holiday craziness settled down (I actually have 1 more Christmas celebration on Saturday!)…

I've lost 4 lbs as of the last time I weighed myself, so no more excuses. This weight isn't going to melt itself off!! I joined Weight Watchers, now who wants to join me at the gym?

Motivation

I found this on Pinterest... it's so  true...

I'm not sure where this originated from (pinterest just said google), but whoever created this..... thanks!

1st Day Back…

…and already a little sore.

I made it to the gym today with my friend A! It was the first time I've been in a very long time. There is something that I find really intimidating about going back to workout after a too-long break. I'm sure its psychological or something; but I've been planning on going to workout since the beginning of the year, yet I always had a reason… an excuse. I was too tired, I forgot my shoes… you name it.

Does anyone else feel strange about going to the gym after a long absence? Like you're going to be judged for paying "dues", for lack of a better word, but not being there.

It could just stem from being overweight and feeling like I'm being judged for that all the time...

I don't know what it was, but I know I'm grateful to A for asking me when we were going to go and following up with me. Today I stepped inside the gym I have been a member of on and off for the last 6 years; here are our feet to prove it:

Embarrassed.

That’s me… I've have this blog for a while that no one could read. It's my embarrassed self trying to decide if I really want to talk publicly about losing weight and being healthy. It's about being transparent to others.

Terrifying.

I have to lose weight. Have to. I’m unhealthy and I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’m tired of feeling unattractive all the time and I’m really don’t want to die of a heart attack in the next 20 years. I’m really ashamed of how much weight I have gained since high school. My family is pretty fit, and I used to be.

I have a goal. It's somewhat crazy and probably unrealistic and I'll try my best to talk about it in the future. My goal is to blog thru it. Through the highs and lows, the excitement and sadness, the loss and plateau's.

I blog. I like to write. This is what I do... Hopefully losing weight is what I do, too.

So here I go… my attempt at losing it…